Proper thinking is the secret to a better life

onderful servant but a terribThere’s that old saying—the mind makes a wle master. If you’re feeling insecure—about yourself, your relationship, or your life—these three thinking habits may be mastering your mind

Psychologists call these toxic habits cognitive distortions, which is just a technical way of saying “lies we tell ourselves.” But they’re tricky, because on the surface, they seem accurate, and more importantly, they feel accurate. And that’s the problem—cognitive distortions keep us feeling stupid, boring, inadequate, or otherwise insecure.

Now, it’s really important to note that we all make these thinking mistakes from time to time. It’s part of being human. But when we truly start to believe them, or we over-rely on them, that’s when we feel as insecure as a wifi network without a password

Toxic Thinking Habit #1: Emotional reasoning

Emotional thinking makes us feel more insecure when it extends to our relationships: "Because I am jealous, it proves you cheat me" or "because I am concerned, it should mean that we are about to break up." Those spiral thoughts turn into your partner's unprecedented battle coming. Needless to say, emotional thinking is particularly frustrating for partners because it is impossible to argue with intestinal feeling, so inaccurate one

Toxic Thinking Habit #2: Mind reading

.you might mind-read and assume others are superior to you: “She looks like she has it all together; she must be so confident.” “He got another promotion; he must know exactly what he’s doing with his life. Okay, not that one, unless you’re mind-reading Bruno Mars. Regardless, no matter how you slice it, mind reading makes you come up short.

Toxic Thinking Habit #3: Personalization

This is also exactly what it sounds like: the thinking error of personalization makes everything about you. Your spouse is grumpy, so you assume it’s something you did. Your boyfriend looked at another girl, so you must not be enough for him. Your friend is grumpy, so you must not be entertaining her adequately. Regardless, whatever dark alley personalization leads you down, it ends at the dead end of self-blame.

How to Stop

How to stop the madness? Half the battle is catching yourself. Try to notice those moments when your mood takes a nosedive or your insecurity flares. Got one? When you do, ask yourself what was going through your head. What did you say to yourself? Then, take the thought you caught and try these three things

Tip #1: Put your thought on trial.

To stop your own distorted thinking, whether it’s emotional reasoning, mind reading, or personalization, put your thought on trial. You need some cold, hard evidence for your thought. And remember: your intuition, hunches, gut feelings, and sixth sense don’t count as credible witnesses—none of those would hold up in a real court of law.

So ask: What the evidence that she’s cheating, besides your own jealousy? What’s the evidence he hates you, aside from some good old projection? In a serious example, what’s the evidence that being abused was your fault, aside from your feelings of guilt?  Likely, you’ll come up with nothing, which is exactly what you need to deflate your distorted thought.

A note: it’s really hard to do this when your emotions are running high. Let things diffuse before you try to put a Spock-like logical spin on your distorted thinking.

Tip #2: Act as if you feel confident.

A client of mine tried this when her boyfriend went to a class reunion where he was sure to bump into several exes. She was tempted to stalk him on social media the whole weekend to see if he posted any pictures with them. We talked about what she would do if she felt confident instead of insecure. She said she’d tell him to have an amazing weekend, text him to say hi once in a while, and stay off of his social media. So she did. And as the weekend went on, acting more confident gave way to feeling more confident.

The take home: act like you want to feel, and your feelings will catch up.

Tip #3: Inoculate yourself against insecurity.

 next time you’re feeling insecure, check yourself for emotional reasoning, mind reading, or personalization. Put your thought on trial, act like you want to feel, and inoculate yourself. You can do it. 

  

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